Where has H gone?

So call me crazy but I’m lying in bed awake while my baby is sleeping and has been for his normal 4 hour long stretch. Why? Well I’m annoyed, and when I’m annoyed I can’t sleep especially if I’m annoyed at H. I’m annoyed mainly because I don’t feel very appreciated at the moment.

I have a baby who just wants me constantly, although I do get a couple of good blocks out of him at night I still think I average about 4-6 hrs of broken sleep each night. Then he is up when the sun comes up and doesn’t sleep too much during the day, which also means I don’t get a break.

Now I’m not overly bothered by it except that it appears to be expected that I should be maintaining everything at home still. Cleaning, cooking, washing etc. now I’m pretty grateful that my mum comes over a couple of times during the week and my Aunty comes over every now and then to help out too, but I feel like I’m slowly loosing the plot a bit. I have handled everything pretty well so far, but I think most of that is due to him being so supportive and helpful when I need it.

The last few weeks is different, he’s not himself and it’s stressing me out knowing that he’s not right and that he’s not checking in on me like he was.

So I sit here in my lounge after feeding my baby, having cuddles with him while he dreams and snorts and I cry because I don’t want to go to bed I just want my old H back. The one who woke up in the mornings and came and gave bubs and I a kiss and cuddle and asked how the night was, the one who would get me some breakfast because I was stuck on the couch, the one who would talk to me about whatever I wanted to talk about and the one who would try and cuddle me on the couch laying down even though we both knew there wasn’t enough room.

I miss him. It makes this all a lot easier when he’s around.

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Immunisations are Tough for Everyone

Today was a hard day for me, a true testament to the bond that grows between us each day.

It was immunisation day. I had been going back and forth in my mind about whether I would go in with him or just send H in. I knew it would be hard to see him in pain.

I didn’t even know the start of it.

I decided to hold him myself, I knew how bad I would feel if I wasn’t holding him. As if someone was trying to take him away from me, at least then I already had him to try and calm him down. Thankfully the nurse and doctor took one side each and did both shots at the same time.

A moment of pause came before the most desperately pained cry I have ever heard came out of his mouth. But it wasn’t the cry or scream that set me off, as I turned him around to cuddle him, it was the look of his face.

My poor boy had never felt pain before.

That very instant I saw his face and heard that desperate cry, I broke down. A mix of Sadness and pure guilt that I had let someone hurt him.

So we cuddled. In the middle of the doctors waiting room, we sat and cuddled while he sobbed. I talked to him, kissed him, held him tight, in that moment we both knew I would never let anything happen to him, he knew I was there for him to cry on whenever he needed. A connection I have been longing for since his birth. We stayed like this the 15mins they asked us to wait around to make sure he didn’t have a reaction. Then we put him in the carrier and H carried him home while he looked out the side at me the whole way.

A sad day followed, I held him and let him sleep on me all day, and secretly I was looking forward to snuggling with him tonight on the couch.

He is in bed now, after swiftly giving him some panadol while he was asleep he finally seems to be comfortable for the first time all day.

But today wasn’t all bad, I did get his first proper smile out of him this morning. His whole face lights up when he smiles. It’s such a game changer, all of a sudden this eating, pooping and peeing blob became a tiny human that sees you, loves you, and can finally show it in his face. We are his everything and I could just watch him smile at us all day!

The first of many sleepless nights – not due to the baby

So it’s been officially 6 weeks now since he was born and I have to say personally I think I have so far dealt with the life changes quite well. It has taken me a good 4 weeks to not look at him and get angry when he wants yet another feed but I am told this is normal.

Interestingly enough no one seems to tell you all the strange feelings you go through as the weeks go on. I never knew I could be so deliriously tired that I would laugh out loud to the rhythmic poo face he makes that looks strangely like the face we pull when we are showing off our amazing extra chins!

But tonight was a new experience, we have just gone through our first wonder week – which are anything but! Little A seems to be sleeping a bit longer at night and starting a bit of a day night routine. Fantastic if you tell anyone, but for some reason as much as I want him to sleep during the day, when he goes down at night now I feel almost alone, like I want those cuddles on the couch, just the two of us. So I wait, I don’t sleep like I should, I wait for him to cry so we can once again have a cuddle. I think I secretly would love to bed share with him every night but my fear of something going wrong and it all being my fault would absolutely destroy me, so I don’t. Which destroys me instead.

So I go and look at him sleeping every half an hour, which seems ridiculous because I have a breathing monitor all set up. But thats not what I’m worried about, I’m not even sure what I’m feeling is worry. I just want to be close to him, I want feel like I felt when he was in my belly. I knew where he was and I knew when he was moving, I just want him to be close again. He is already my world, and I am his. A feeling I was’t quite sure would ever show up.