My fear of christmas

I am petrified of Christmas Day this year. 

It’s the first year we will be around a pool. And to say I’m worried is the understatement of the century. I don’t think the people around me truely understand just how scared I am.

I can’t switch it off. 

The thoughts, the what if’s, the scenarios played over and over in my head as I try to sleep.

The fact that there will be a lot of people around just makes me more nervous. 

If it were up to me, I’d stand by the pool fence and open and close it for each and every person. But I can’t do that, over protective crazies do that. 

Even the thought of something happening brings me to tears I’d honestly rather not have these scenarios run through my head, but I can’t stop them.

And if anyone tells me not to worry, it makes the whole thing worse. Like people aren’t worried enough.

At the end of the day it’s probably easier to go in the pool with him. 

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Where’s my motivation gone?

There’s one thing I lost after I had Archie, that I miss desperately, my motivation.

I so desperately miss that drive and passion to do something, anything.

Maybe I just don’t have that get up and go anymore, or maybe it’s hidden away behind The multitude of tasks I now think of constantly. Or behind the bags under my eyes I’m sure are going to show up on my license photo I had done today. 

Who knows but I’m ready for it to come back, even if it’s just for one thing, to keep me sane, make me feel just a little bit like I have something to work towards in my day.

 I want something else to talk about on my civilised coffee dates, not everyone is as excited about the new word Archie is saying as I am.

Maybe it’s the weather, no one wants to do anything when it’s hot. 

Who am I kidding, I havnt slept right in 18 months, I’m sticking with that one.