Motherhood is a balancing act

Someone or something always gets left out.

It doesn’t matter how hard you try and fit everything in, it just never works out the way you had hoped. Nine times out of ten, something gets left out, but once in a while its someone.

Its not something intended in a nasty way, its done in order to keep going. Without give, the whole juggle will come crashing down around you. The juggling act may not always seem visible, but you can be sure its there. Like dodge ’em cars in your head, each task bumping into each other, some push others out to the far edges, sometimes just far enough to stay out of sight, no matter how long or short term that thought has been bouncing around in there. Some are pushed to the side on purpose in order to get just the right amount done for the day without burning out, with the hope that it won’t go too far out of sight, you forget what it was all together.

But some times it just doesn’t work. Things are forgotten, and tasks not done. Some days are spent at home watching tv and playing small games, these are the days you need to remember something. It’s not that I don’t care what you’re doing, it’s that I care too much for the future. The short term and the long. The balance can be very rocky at times, but we get through.

We scrapped the to do lists a long time ago, they became too long and overwhelming, too much of a reminder of what I can’t get done in a day and how much my day doesn’t go to plan. So we make a done list, a list we can feel accomplished in our day. One that shows all the tasks we did today, big and small. And you know what, we get a lot done, but we still forget a lot of things too, and thats ok.

I’m not super mum, I never expected to be, I just hope you can see the things piled up on my plate are for the benefit of your future.

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Life is harder than everyone thinks

Life is hard.

Its harder than people let on, and if anyone tells you its not hard, they are lying.

Every single person struggles at some point, some struggles are more intense than others. Some last longer than others, and some people feel like they never get a break.

It feels like there is so much at stake, that some days can be unbearable with worry and stress. Decisions need to be made, some that feel like are sealing your fate. Decisions that lead you down two different paths, that at times can feel like you just want to build a bridge to the other side and change your path right then and there.

To go back and change that very first decision that started it all, the one that although seems to give you what you need in life, doesn’t give you what you want in life. One that can make you feel so stuck in limbo, that you really don’t know where to start to change it.

Some days it seems like your fighting back against, well, everyone. But your really fighting against yourself. Your own stop. A stop that makes you believe your not good enough. A stop that believes everything that everyone says to you. One that limits you to your chosen path because you’re too old, too dumb, too smart, don’t have any money, earning too much to leave, or don’t know where to start.

And its hard. Its hard to make that call, especially when there are more than just you involved. Its hard to make a change when you don’t have a risky personality. Because thats what it comes down to. Life is all about risk and reward.

Its about taking opportunities that are presented to you, and finding a way to do what you want to do, to live the life you want to live. Failure is stored as experience and lots of failures mean a hell of a lot of experiences. Each one different from the next, because you learn, and change your tactics.

Life is already hard enough without your own pressure. Find what you want to do and chase it, chase it hard.

You got your own babies today, for reasons far beyond play.

One day you will become a man, a man that will hopefully if you wish it, one day become a father. A father I hope will be just like your own.

In this current moment your babies are real to you. You show them love and affection just like I do to you. You pat them, cuddle them and put them down to nap. I’ve seen you stroke their heads and kiss them as you relax to sleep, and although you may not be quite old enough to recognise everything a baby needs. Your understanding of what to give them comes from the way I am with you.

I don’t want you to grow up without understanding of how to play in a nurturing way. What you may not notice until your much older, is that social norm ‘boys’ toys can teach a certain kind of aggression. And although I’m not totally against ‘boys’ toys, I am deadly afraid of you becoming a hostile and aggressive man. 

I want you to know that toys that teach a type of nurturing, delicate side of life is a skill you must learn to be present in others lives. A skill that helps you to empathise and care for those around you, to feel confident and comfortable in your own skin.

And if I can help you to achieve that, I’ll know I’ve done my job right.

Some things in your life will seem so impossibly impossible that you won’t know where to begin.

But I assure you, it’s not as impossible as you may think.

Your dad and I will make sure you’re equipped to deal with any encounters, good, bad or indifferent. We will show you how to be resilient and powerful in your own right, by putting you in these situations while we keep a watchful eye.

For our watchful eyes are the ones that will recognise the moments you need us, and gleam with joy as you realise you’re capable. That learning is not something to be afraid of, but to be embraced and enjoyed. A powerful tool in your mind, one that should not be taken for granted.

See the impossible is only so if you fail to look ahead at what’s just around the bend. And that, Is what so many people forget to do.

Your dad is a great man

I’ll tell you a little something about your daddy…
He may have been a little apprehensive before your arrival, and to be honest, so was I. But he is most certainly a natural born dad. 

Watching him with you from across the room is enough to make anyone melt. The laughter, the smiles and the fun you have, like nobody’s watching (even though everyone can’t help themselves). It is so contagious, everyone around him can’t help but smile along. The love you already have for your dad is so true and honest. A love that is only set to grow as time moves on.

If only he knew what it looked like from the outside, he would realise why I want to have more babies like you. 

He is your biggest supporter and true advocate for life. The adventures he has in stall for you will be like none other, and will stop at nothing to give you the life you deserve, the best life. 

I love your dad like no ther and I know you do too, but the day you can look at him and tell him will be the day your daddy cries.

You are not empty up there I promise

I had to really hold back my mum voice today. And although I find myself increasingly holding back this one was different. It wasn’t just about you, it was about all little boys and kids for that matter.

You may be busy but you certainly have more than ‘nothing up there.’ 

Nothing. Boys have nothing up there. There’s nothing going on, no thought processes no feelings – that’s what I was told, while watching you play.

The wind could have blown me over in disbelief.

If you had ‘nothing’ up there, how do you explore everyday, learn and discover. That nothingness is helping you understand how to be caring and affectionate. How to respond and react to your surroundings. 

In almost two years you have developed so much emotionally and physically that it’s almost unbelievable.

And although the comment could have come across wrong, the people around you need to realise what they say effects young minds, your mind. A mind that will  be the voice pushing you to do great things or hold you back when no one is around. A mind that shows you possibilities beyond what you think you are capable of. 

Saying there’s nothing going on, is already pulling you down before you have had a change to be great. 

Just because you don’t tell everyone what’s going on in your head doesn’t mean nothing is going on.

They have no idea what you’re capable of.

Your day started at 5am with a temp of 39, though I swear it was higher. Every part of you felt like it was on fire, even your feet.

All you wanted was me and seen as I had been up till 12 working, I knew it was going to be a long one.

The day has been long, and tiring. But we made it. Your idea of lunch was definately a chocolate paddle pop, and I’m quite happy to admit that. It was the best 5mins of silence I got all morning.

3pm came around and you finally lifted your spirits, just in time too, I was just about to lose my mind. Seeing you upset has got to be the worst thing as a mum. I didn’t know what to do, you didn’t have any obvious pain or issues, I asked you what was wrong and you just ran to bed to cry. Flopping around on the couch intermittent crying and not eating or drinking, not to mention the lack of sleep is a recipe for disaster. 

I don’t dare take you to the doctors yet, I can’t tell them what’s wrong, so why would they have any answer but he is a toddler do you think he’s just having a tantrum – nope I don’t, I wouldn’t have wasted my time if I did!

Your in bed now and already woke up uncomfortable and upset, let’s hope you can get some rest, we all need it.

Your sleep is paramount.

Paramount to mine, yours and our sanity. To make the day seem less like a burden and more like a privilege. 

To hear laughter in the next room and not cries of frustration.

I love it when you sleep, you’re a different child, my loving, affectionate little boy. My best bud, my cuddle buddy, the one who makes me laugh out loud and play silly games on the floor.

But when you don’t sleep, our days are long.

Long and frustrating.

My uni work gets left behind and my new business suffers, I lose my cool way too easy and you feed off my frustration with more melt downs. 

I know the best thing for everyone is to leave the house, but it’s the last thing I want to do. I just want you to leave me alone.

But I know if I force myself to the day feels just that little bit better. After a few small laughs and a bit of fresh air, the countdown begins to your bedtime. A time when I can have my time, our time, time to do what I have been thinking about all day.

Time to catch up.

I’m still mum…

I have tried to write this post three times now. Trying to get across how I feel when you just want to relax with your friends but I’m still mum. I still have so much more to think and do than sit and talk shit. But Non of it is truely coming across.

That feeling of my mind constantly pacing, constantly asking questions and coming up with answers. How can I show you I’ve been there. 

I know what it’s like.

To be finding dinner when dinners not quite ready, to be distracting when the wait is just too much. To find a resolution to something that’s just not negotiable, listening and teaching, getting cups of water. 

I don’t quite hear what’s going on while I’m organising my thoughts, and the half conversations that follow. I don’t mean to sound uninterested but I don’t want to burn the potatoes.

I’m not much better once bedtime has past, there’s still so much more to do. And amongst all the chaos I’m listening out, for your search for me, it’s bound to happen just as my seat starts to warm and a fresh drink poured.

I’ll pack up toys while we say our goodbyes, but just know one thing, I’ll lay in bed and wonder about all the things I didn’t get to hear, all the questions I wanted to ask and the stories I half heard.