Motherhood is so conflicting

I always feel so conflicted in the choices I have to make everyday. Like there’s no way I can make everyone happy, including myself.

I have this internal battle about what I want to do or achieve vs what’s the right thing to do or the best thing for Archie. 

I want to study so I can get a good job once Archie goes to school. But I don’t want him to sit in front of the tv while I concentrate, and forget about studying at night, by that point the only sentence I can drum up is, is it bedtime yet? 

Maybe I could go back to work so we can finally buy that house we dream of. Then Archie has to go to child care, which I’m not comfortable with just yet, and we would need another car.

Maybe putting him in childcare would be good for him. But I don’t want his beautiful little personality to change with the change of environment.

It’s never ending, working, studying, child care, going to the gym, putting him in crèche, starting a hobby, having time on my own. There is a conflicting argument to everything, everyday.

All I have are problems and solutions flying around my head all day long, I tell you, if you could see a visual of the situation it would be like those boards in crime shows where the pictures have hundreds of different red string leading from one picture to the next. 

Finding a solution where I can have my cake and eat it too, is so hard in a world where every situation seems to seperate you from your child and I just want to be close to him. To be there if he needs me. I still want an income and a hobby, something I look forward to doing, but I don’t want to have to put him somewhere else for the majority of his time.

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