I think it’s hard not to be so critical of yourself when everyone around you can be. It’s hard to tell yourself you will love it for what it is or what it looks like when it’s not that easy. When your pregnant it’s especially hard to give your body the credit it’s due for the job it’s doing rather than the criticism for what it once was. The fight of such inner battles are harder than people let on, it’s so easy to be both equally impressed and disappointed in your body for what it is doing without even realising it. To understand the beauty of what it is doing but see it in a totally different light from the outside. The battles are long and hard, but part of the process to appreciate what your body is capable of before the long road ahead.
I find myself constantly telling you what you see is wrong, that what you see is not what i see, that what you see is not valid.
But what is not being seen, is how you view your world. Your world is much different to mine. You see so many things I do not, the rain on the window is indeed red, but not because you are picking the wrong colour, but because you are looking at the water being lit up by a car brake light.
You see, your world is so innocent, so colourful, so full of wonder, and mine, well mine is not. Its full of rules and regulation, full of opinions, ill manners and disappointment, but i know it used to be like yours, full of wonder and questions, a curiosity about everything. Your way of discovering the world, is questioning it, pointing out things that you see and finding validation in what you have to say.
To stop and hear what you can see through your eyes, opens my eyes up to a whole new world, a world with endless possibilities and endless adventures. There are no distractions of time or money, no reasons to question your ability or intelligence, and certainly no second guessing what you believe is true in the world.
You are an instant inventor, explorer, fixer and changer. Everything you see in your world is a first discovery, without any outside influences on how you should see it, and that is something to truely admire in my eyes.
If there’s one thing someone could have warned me about becoming your mum, it was how much goes on behind the scenes.
Most days it seems like our journey is on show for everyone to see, but the biggest part is yet to be witnessed.
It’s the dining with someone who doesn’t like the food I make,
It’s The endless answers to the whys or I don’t want to,
It’s Explaining even the most simplest of things, knowing one day it will be repeated.
It’s the countless nappies, the toilet trips and explaining why you can’t wipe my bottom like i do to you.
It’s The constant stream of activities that last 10mins,
And the constant packing up.
It’s making sure you’ve drank enough water, eaten enough food and slept enough
It’s Being reminded how much effort I put in to you and how little goes to myself
It’s being the keeper of everything and the taker of none
It’s being the shoulder to cry on, the kisser of your grazes and yet the silence on the brink of insanity
It’s the stress of doing well in exams because ultimately it’s about getting a good job for you.
It’s staying up with you while your sick, knowing I’m the next in line
It’s creating a life full of memories and stories
It’s realising that sometimes it feels like it’s not worth it, the sacrifices I’ve made and the opportunities im missing out on. The everyday things that are made so much more difficult because your around, and it’s OK to admit that. not everything in life is peachy and you realise just how much you want things in your life and how your going to make it happen when it is more difficult to achieve. You are life altering, certainly NOT life ending.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is remember that tomorrow is a new day. To really wake up fresh and change the course of our day together.
To recognise that your not annoying me on purpose, or that your not being difficult just because you can. You feel the same things I do; we get cooped up when we have been inside too long, we get bored of the same toys or things around us, we get frustrated when we are tired and yet struggle to recognise the pattern. Your terrible twos are aligning with my pregnancy hormones, together some days we accomplish more frustration than we did before in one whole week. It leaves me with a feeling of needing to get away, to just not have you hang off me, squash me or whinge. And yet when your not with me, I watch and wait till you can come home, so I have to remind myself that tomorrow is a new day. A change is as good as a holiday, you are only little and I am just pregnant, everything is temporary an for good reason. Understanding and recognising is the only way we are going to enjoy our days at home together, and they will be more important than ever when your new brother or sister arrives.
There’s something about fairy tales that I don’t quite like, they don’t quite sit well.
Maybe it’s the fact that every story has a happy ending, and that’s not quite true.
Or maybe it’s the fact that some of the messages are a little bit skewed for this day and age.
Stories are a favourite part of our day and something you use in your dreams, so forgive me if I want these stories we share to reflect the values we share as a family.
See you are capable of travelling through life off the beaten track, to wonder what’s beyond that tree over there.
Or to stand up for yourself when those around you are ganging up on you, leaving you to take on the task alone.
But you are capable of achieving on your own, you will not have to rely on a group around you, for that group will not always stand there with you when you really need them.
You will master the skills to fend off a bad guy, to help those in need or to fight for what you believe is right.
Get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable, for that is what will drive you in every aspect of your life, it will push you further, help you achieve more and encourage you to dream bigger
My responsibility as your mother is to teach you how to be respectful in every sense possible. And the best way to teach you anything is to lead by example.
Maybe when your older you will understand that our games are the best teaching aid around. That through laughter, you gain the knowledge and respect for a set of words so important in the rest of your life.
So when we play games that involve tickles, and raspberries, tumbling and hiding, and you say ‘stop it’…I stop.
I don’t keep going because you sound like your enjoying it, I don’t keep going because your smiling or laughing. And certainly not because I’m having fun too. I stop because you said so. And when your ready for more you say ‘go’.
It’s that simple.
It works. It may make our playtime more interesting at times, but you understand the meaning of the words your using. You become more aware of what is being said around you, and you become more aware of what is going on especially when your playing, with other kids.
And here’s my hope. That you will always respect your words, understand that they have power behind them and power in them. Know that you can make or break someone with just one phrase, one word even.
You will not just grow up knowing this because you are a boy, but because you are human, you are a child, and one day, you will become a part of society as an adult.
Use your words wisely, and more importantly, listen to those words spoken to you, for one day, those words might be what keeps you out of serious trouble.
You snuck into our lives so swiftly and quietly.
Just like that, you joined me in my days and nights. By the time I realised you were with me, you had already grown such a strong heart beat.
Your silent entry into our lives has made some decisions come a lot harder than others, but some certainly easier. It has once again allowed us to trust in the process of a greater plan, and although speeding up part of our timeline you have made sure that we don’t lose sight of what’s truely important.
But your entry doesn’t come without fears and worries, without hesitation or questions. Your father and I now have two of you to consider in every decision we make, not only financially but emotionally, physically, and mentally. I now especially know what I’m in for in terms of mental health, stress and lack of sleep, motivation and at some times understanding, except this time I will also have an emotionally overloaded toddler.
My anxiety is high and maybe it’s because I realise just how low i can get in that first year. I already have a lot to juggle but I want to make sure you have the same emotional welcome into this world as your brother did, without leaving him out.
You are both important to me and loved all the same, and it will take a big learning curve to get into the swing of things, but we will work it out, we always do.
At some point in motherhood you realise that you are no longer making decisions based on your needs, but based on those around you.
Something you never realise you are doing until someone points it out. Your decisions are no longer your own and somehow your ok with this. Life follows a different path, a path that depending on your beliefs, may have been set in stone long before you ever knew. The difficulty is accepting your new path, that the direction you are now heading is one that will challenge you and test you but allow you to come out the other side with more knowledge, more experience and more love for those your decisions are made for.
We as mothers, do it all.
We leave little time for ourselves in the name of love, and would do it all again in a heartbeat.
We are not selfish, nor self absorbed.
We are the keeper of all things, and yet the taker of none.
We hold all our worries close to our chest, while allowing you to play freely.
We create our own worth, and sometimes yours is put above the rest.
We improve ourselves, with the hope you will follow by example.
We show no fear, at times when it’s crippling us inside.
We often lose ourselves when we are introduced to you.
We sacrifice our sleep, our sanity, our days off.
We don’t get to walk away, run away, or tap out.
We Pride ourselves in your work and your achievements, and should do the same for ourselves.
We are your teacher, your chef, your entertainer, your playmate, your best friend and your comfort when everything goes wrong.
And it doesn’t seem to matter how many times we promise to take time for ourselves, we just never quite manage to do so, because your always on our mind.
Something we promised we would commit to the day we laid eyes on you.