A Difficult Situation Indeed

Do you ever feel totally out of place, in a situation that should feel so comfortable?

like your just going through the motions. Your so confused about which one of your emotions fits the bill, so you just disconnect and decide none is easier and safer for all involved.

I do.

Its not that there is necessarily any adverse feelings personally towards anyone, its just easier than waiting for the reactions you had hoped for.

I try to make nice conversation, but at the end of the day its just small talk. Its hard work. Its not talking about the highs and the lows, the new adventures I’m planning, or the struggles I want to share. The triumphs and tribulations instead become an internal celebration, one of constant reassurance that I am not like that, surely not.

My life is so different now, I have changed so drastically that I’m not even sure they know the real me any more. In fact I know they don’t. My new way of thinking, and decisions I stick with become more of a comedy point than a discussion point.

Why isn’t it obvious how happy I am. The decisions I have made and the ones I’m yet to make have made me who I am today. I don’t need to be put down with sly comments, nor hassled and questioned about aspects of my life I once questioned myself.

But yet, I still feel so drawn to them. its normal to.

I wish it was different, but I’d be silly to think the feeling was mutual.

Perception is reality and the reality is each side has a different perception.

which brings us back to my original point, its easier and safer for everyone involved to continue on and keep the peace. After all, you can never truly put yourself in someone else’s shoes unless you have truly been there.

I love them, but no matter how hard I convince myself I have forgiven them, I will never forget.

 

What you don’t realise

Velcro is not a fair word

A Lonely Village

Advertisements

The Reality of Becoming Mum

Something that seems to be spreading like wild fire at the moment, is the notion of getting back to “you” after having a baby. The idea that something you did before you had a baby was your special thing, that thing that made you happy and content. That if you did that again that you would feel “normal” again. For some people this might be your career, a hobby or just catching up with your girlfriends. So what is mine?

Well that question is harder than it should be to answer.

Before I got pregnant the business I started from nothing, was everything, if I wasn’t at work then I was researching ways to make it better at home, it was always on my mind, and I loved it. I loved working for myself, I loved seeing the results from my ideas and above all else, I loved being the boss. Not in the power trip sense, but being the one who made the decisions and came up with the ideas. I had a couple of close friends that I caught up with fairly regularly and when I did have time I would sew.

Then I got pregnant.

The business I had worked so hard on to build was under jeopardy of legal battles, lawyer representatives and a lot more stress than I needed while pregnant – and why? A bad business partner decision.

I had to leave what I had built over 2 years, in a couple of weeks, without anything to show for it. Something that I was once proud as punch to tell everyone, is now something I dread to say out loud, something I keep to myself. Maybe because I feel almost ashamed that I made the wrong decision on the biggest decision in the small businesses life. Maybe because when you tell people you built a business and then had to leave, they don’t quite understand that leaving a business that you built doesn’t necessarily mean you will gain anything financially.

The few friends I had, decided that pregnancy wasn’t something they were interested in at that point in their lives, so it meant I wasn’t part of their lives any more. For some this happened straight away, for others it happened right when I needed them most – after the birth of my son.

I couldn’t just go to the gym like I used to, I could barely go for a walk after the stitches I got.

And sewing, well I couldn’t think, let alone create something.

So fast forward over 12 months, things have continued to change. Not only has just about every relationship I have changed, I have lost more friends, and moved interstate. I don’t have a job to go back to, and actually have no idea how I would work for “the man” now knowing what self employment is all about.

The slump just gets bigger and bigger. Its not staying home with A, I love and appreciate how hard H works so I can. But how do I go back to me, when there isn’t anything “normal” to go back to?

 

A Message For A New Mother

My Anxiety takes over

Do I Really Need to Make a Decision?

Delete the Judgement – We don’t have room for that

As a new mother in this crazy world of parenting, I did what most are doing these days, and joined a parenting group – actually a few groups.

The idea that I could ask a fellow mother questions about me who-ha, or tell them how scared I was that my period was late, without having the family know seemed like a great idea.

Until you contribute.

It’s mainly the answering of questions that gets you in “trouble.” Boy oh boy, do the parenting police come out of the woodworks then.

Being attacked for your parenting decisions is the best way to make a mother feel totally inadequate. The thought of the choices you have made for your child are wrong is devastating, and according to who? Other mothers.

But before I jump into becoming one of them and judging from behind a computer, I’d like to say one thing.

I know you’ve been there too.

All alone in the middle of the right, trying to get your baby to sleep for the 10th time.

Watching them cry in pain, knowing all they want is to snuggle up in bed with you.

Crying alone because you are so torn between what you think you should do and what they say you should do.

Having red raw nipples because he’s STILL hungry.

So next time you go to point someone to a scientific website, that states why you should or shouldn’t do something.

Stop and think.

Remember the times you struggled, the things you needed to hear from these random people that you somehow had a connection with now. The encouragement, the ear to listen and the questions answered not judged.

Because being a mother is hard on everyone, and we are the hardest on ourselves.

 

The Challenges we face

I keep myself awake thinking of all the bad things that could happen

We’re moving…again

I keep myself awake thinking of all the bad things that could happen

Doesn’t matter how tired I am, every few days I keep myself up at night. The thing is the things I’m imaging in my head, although totally possible, are not likely.

Some, maybe. But most, ridiculous.

Tonight’s a goodie. I have something I have been wanting to do for a while and was telling H about it, it involves taking photos at playgrounds. Anyway so I got all excited and started thinking about how I could do it, when it happened. Those thoughts of fear crept into my mind and took over my wonderful drifting off to sleep thoughts.

So this is how it went…

I’m taking a nice photo of a lady with her little girl and reach out for A hand, some strange hand grabs on and I realise it’s not him. So I look up and see a man running out the park gate with him! I chase them screaming for everyone to stop them! He throws A into a van and drives off, so I run down the road and take a photo of the van when I spot them pull over and throw him out the side! Close call right..

Next…

Taking the same photo and he runs out into the shot which happens to be the path of the swinging girl, I don’t get to him in time, she kicks him over and then follows through on the way back. I jumped in the way to stop her so I could grab him. Totally possible but still…

So it goes on, every time I start to relax and close my eyes, something else happens. He trips into the brick wall, he falls off the train play equipment, trips with a stick.

Then I think I need to pee, so I start trying to move and A decides he going to give me a big cuddle. Yep, cool, but now I really do need to pee. So apparently there’s a commotion going on because H wakes up and says

“what’s wrong ?”

“I can’t sleep!”

“Why?”

“I dunno” (too hard to explain to asleep H)

“What’s all the barking about?” (???!!!???? Umm what?)

Anyway i manage to break free and pee, but still can’t sleep.

I’ve been told it’s normal, yep even H. Heres to another night of Pinterest till my phone dies!

Picture this – the joys of co-sleeping

Picture this…

I get into bed to have a nice sleepy cuddle with A. Turns out I was just in time for the boxercise class! He started thrashing around, tossing and turning, up on to his knees and back out flat again. Kicking his foot out into my face and then sitting up and letting himself just flop back down to the bed without any regard to his surrounds.

So I’m trying to get out of the way to avoid his flapping around, head butts and general butts to the face. I’m moving my head further and further away before quickly ducking to the left and the remaining space of mattress taken up by my neck (my head is now hanging off the side!) . YES! He didn’t get me, I dodged a black eye tonight – was my thought until I quickly realised I was on a 45 degree angle, feet in the middle of the bed, head hanging off to the side of my pillow. And A has finally ended the class with a cool down and meditate across my shoulder/pillow! He is laying straight across me. I was stuck. And he was finally asleep, out cold.

Seen as I was too worried to move (never wake that sleeping child!) him, it gave me some time to reflect on the day.

First we had the emptying of a packet of earbuds across the floor, and scaling the toy box to find the hidden treasure on top.

A quick trip to H work to drop off some cake (he’s on a diet you know) then playing or destroying rather with the cousins.

And to finish it all off with a poo explosion.

All in a day’s work, mum life.

Oh and I managed to move him, just in time for H to show me how fantastic he is for putting his washing in the basket.

Gotta love my boys!

 

Immunisations are Tough for Everyone

Call Me Crazy – We Took ‘A’ Camping

The days can’t get any funnier right?

The days can’t get any funnier right?

WRONG!

Everyday gets funnier and funnier, tantrum or not and if you don’t laugh you cry.

I’m sure I’m not alone in the things I’m about to say, surely I don’t have the only kid who makes me laugh out loud. Some days I could definitely have a reality tv show.

One day in the life of my walking one year old:

It wasn’t a very good day tantrum wise because we had such a bad night. A night of no sleep absolutely aplifies everything for everyone.

And so they started…

First it was a melt down because I wouldn’t let him battle it out with the dog over who was going to eat the dog spew outside – I was quite happy to turn around and pretend the dog was just doing dog things while I wasn’t watching.

Little did I know the place I repositioned Archie was about two toddler sized steps to apparently a very enticing bit of dog poo.

And so it was on again, the floppy legs, the head hung down and a squeal I’m sure the next block over could hear, all over wanting to eat the dog shit!

So that was it, outside was proving to be a tantrum set off, so inside we went. I was so desperately needing to go to the toilet, so I had to risk it.

The risk didn’t pay off.

The trantrum started.

The reason, I didn’t want him to sit on my lap while I did my business. But that’s where he ended up, my ears did not enjoy the squeal in the tiled eco room. And why did he end up there, well because when you become a mum you give all rights to privacy

 

A Snack Your Little One Will Actually Eat!

A New Love of Life

Is a sign of the end?

A letter to my friends – we’ve all changed

To my closest friends,

I wish we could catch up more, or spoke more often, but the truth is, I’m not the same any more, and neither are you.

I am now a mother to my beautiful boy, quite frankly I’m surprised at the toll it takes. It’s the most exhausting, frustrating, exciting, joyful experience of my life. But I love it, and those of you who aren’t mothers will too one day know what I’m talking about. However, those of you who decided I was no longer privileged enough to speak to you, I say, thanks. I quite frankly don’t have time to chase you down to catch up, for you not to understand why I’m so tired or can’t hold an unbroken conversation while I help my boy to explore his world.

To those who are mothers, I’m sorry we don’t get to hang out as much, I know it’s hard to co ordinate nap times/bed times/feed times/grumpy times/can’t be bothered times. You’d think it would be easy enough to just txt, but the 45 other things going on around you make it just as difficult as if we were talking face to face. Our different parenting styles shouldn’t get in the way of a good conversation but sometimes it does and it’s hard to relate, just remember what it was like before our kiddies were born and hang on, those times will soon return. This time we can watch on as our kids make beautiful friendships because of us.

Although I may not be able to say everything I’m thinking while we catch up, I’ll let you know now, your doing an awesome job. Your the best mum to your child and doing everything right, you look great even if you don’t think so, I’ve seen what that body has done and I’m proud of you. Don’t listen to everyone’s “advice” do what you feel is right and enjoy the moments, I for one know that not everything is caught on camera but those moments will become your life long memories. Enjoy them. We will catch up when we can.

Sometimes your the only thing they want 

My poor little boy the last few days has been not quite himself. We have just come back from a week long holiday where he was not in his usual “routine” but I’m sure something else is going on. He has been flat out wanting boob all day and night, which is very strange indeed. Like to the point where I don’t even feel like I’m filling back up in between.

Now he is usually a bit frazzled and boobie when a tooth is on its way, so that was my initial thought but I have put numerous amounts of teething gel on and it just doesn’t seem to make a difference.

I have a 3 cry limit, if I put him back into our bed 3 times within 2 hours then I start going through the checklist. But even then sometimes all he wants is just to cuddle me. To lay his head on my shoulder or fall asleep listening to my heartbeat. I can’t blame him really, when I’m not feeling myself all I want is for my partner to be home so I can cuddle up to him and relax knowing I am safe.

So I sit and wait. This is where co-sleeping has its benefits, I sit on the bed and let him fluff around trying to work out where is the most comfortable position and then I wait. I wait for him to fall asleep, to roll away from me, letting me know he is ok if I walk away now. That he feels safe and loved and understood. Sometimes when we are not quite ourselves we just need a bit of affection, and I will always be here in those times of need for my little boy.

Strangers are named that way for a reason

Something that absolutely grinds my Gears is when what you say as a parent is completely ignored.

I know my child’s personality now and I know what he’s like in just about every situation. He’s very sensitive and cautious at the best of times and looks for me for guidance and reassurance. In a time when I’m not directly available he relies on the person who is with him, which lets be honest, is going to someone he trusts. So when I can see him backing away from a situation it makes me feel very uneasy. The fact that I can see him backing away means that whoever has him should be able to feel him doing it and sense his reluctance. What’s worse is when I know he won’t respond well to a situation and I tell everyone around me that he won’t like that, and it’s as if I just named a challenge and everyone needs to see if I’m right as mother. 

So when I’m saying no he won’t like that and shaking my head and people are looking DIRECTLY at me and ignoring it and listening to the other people saying just try it, just put him down, and he is basically climbing up the arms to get away. It’s not funny.

He’s not just a mummy’s boy or attached to me. He’s not tired or hungry. He’s a little boy and your a stranger. 

I’m not going to make him give you a hug or a high five. I’m not going to just hand him to you and hope for the best. I’m not going to because I want him to stay weary of strangers. I want him to get to know his surroundings and the people around him before he gets close to you.

What happens when he gets older and all I have done is told him to be nice and hug the stranger or take food from the stranger, then I have to try and explain why he shouldn’t actually do those things because the bad people might use it against him. How confusing is that?!

When he is ready he will come to you, he will give you toys and talk to you and eventually let you hold him but until then I won’t ever make him come near you.