You are not empty up there I promise

I had to really hold back my mum voice today. And although I find myself increasingly holding back this one was different. It wasn’t just about you, it was about all little boys and kids for that matter.

You may be busy but you certainly have more than ‘nothing up there.’ 

Nothing. Boys have nothing up there. There’s nothing going on, no thought processes no feelings – that’s what I was told, while watching you play.

The wind could have blown me over in disbelief.

If you had ‘nothing’ up there, how do you explore everyday, learn and discover. That nothingness is helping you understand how to be caring and affectionate. How to respond and react to your surroundings. 

In almost two years you have developed so much emotionally and physically that it’s almost unbelievable.

And although the comment could have come across wrong, the people around you need to realise what they say effects young minds, your mind. A mind that will  be the voice pushing you to do great things or hold you back when no one is around. A mind that shows you possibilities beyond what you think you are capable of. 

Saying there’s nothing going on, is already pulling you down before you have had a change to be great. 

Just because you don’t tell everyone what’s going on in your head doesn’t mean nothing is going on.

They have no idea what you’re capable of.

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Your day started at 5am with a temp of 39, though I swear it was higher. Every part of you felt like it was on fire, even your feet.

All you wanted was me and seen as I had been up till 12 working, I knew it was going to be a long one.

The day has been long, and tiring. But we made it. Your idea of lunch was definately a chocolate paddle pop, and I’m quite happy to admit that. It was the best 5mins of silence I got all morning.

3pm came around and you finally lifted your spirits, just in time too, I was just about to lose my mind. Seeing you upset has got to be the worst thing as a mum. I didn’t know what to do, you didn’t have any obvious pain or issues, I asked you what was wrong and you just ran to bed to cry. Flopping around on the couch intermittent crying and not eating or drinking, not to mention the lack of sleep is a recipe for disaster. 

I don’t dare take you to the doctors yet, I can’t tell them what’s wrong, so why would they have any answer but he is a toddler do you think he’s just having a tantrum – nope I don’t, I wouldn’t have wasted my time if I did!

Your in bed now and already woke up uncomfortable and upset, let’s hope you can get some rest, we all need it.

Your sleep is paramount.

Paramount to mine, yours and our sanity. To make the day seem less like a burden and more like a privilege. 

To hear laughter in the next room and not cries of frustration.

I love it when you sleep, you’re a different child, my loving, affectionate little boy. My best bud, my cuddle buddy, the one who makes me laugh out loud and play silly games on the floor.

But when you don’t sleep, our days are long.

Long and frustrating.

My uni work gets left behind and my new business suffers, I lose my cool way too easy and you feed off my frustration with more melt downs. 

I know the best thing for everyone is to leave the house, but it’s the last thing I want to do. I just want you to leave me alone.

But I know if I force myself to the day feels just that little bit better. After a few small laughs and a bit of fresh air, the countdown begins to your bedtime. A time when I can have my time, our time, time to do what I have been thinking about all day.

Time to catch up.

I’m still mum…

I have tried to write this post three times now. Trying to get across how I feel when you just want to relax with your friends but I’m still mum. I still have so much more to think and do than sit and talk shit. But Non of it is truely coming across.

That feeling of my mind constantly pacing, constantly asking questions and coming up with answers. How can I show you I’ve been there. 

I know what it’s like.

To be finding dinner when dinners not quite ready, to be distracting when the wait is just too much. To find a resolution to something that’s just not negotiable, listening and teaching, getting cups of water. 

I don’t quite hear what’s going on while I’m organising my thoughts, and the half conversations that follow. I don’t mean to sound uninterested but I don’t want to burn the potatoes.

I’m not much better once bedtime has past, there’s still so much more to do. And amongst all the chaos I’m listening out, for your search for me, it’s bound to happen just as my seat starts to warm and a fresh drink poured.

I’ll pack up toys while we say our goodbyes, but just know one thing, I’ll lay in bed and wonder about all the things I didn’t get to hear, all the questions I wanted to ask and the stories I half heard. 

Motherhood is so conflicting

I always feel so conflicted in the choices I have to make everyday. Like there’s no way I can make everyone happy, including myself.

I have this internal battle about what I want to do or achieve vs what’s the right thing to do or the best thing for Archie. 

I want to study so I can get a good job once Archie goes to school. But I don’t want him to sit in front of the tv while I concentrate, and forget about studying at night, by that point the only sentence I can drum up is, is it bedtime yet? 

Maybe I could go back to work so we can finally buy that house we dream of. Then Archie has to go to child care, which I’m not comfortable with just yet, and we would need another car.

Maybe putting him in childcare would be good for him. But I don’t want his beautiful little personality to change with the change of environment.

It’s never ending, working, studying, child care, going to the gym, putting him in crèche, starting a hobby, having time on my own. There is a conflicting argument to everything, everyday.

All I have are problems and solutions flying around my head all day long, I tell you, if you could see a visual of the situation it would be like those boards in crime shows where the pictures have hundreds of different red string leading from one picture to the next. 

Finding a solution where I can have my cake and eat it too, is so hard in a world where every situation seems to seperate you from your child and I just want to be close to him. To be there if he needs me. I still want an income and a hobby, something I look forward to doing, but I don’t want to have to put him somewhere else for the majority of his time.

If there’s one thing I have learnt about myself in the last 2 years, it’s that I like to research and look into topics at my own pace to understand them. My brain takes off and so do my fingers, typing away in Google. 

When I decided to do a business degree in marketing it was because I was told I needed to, to enable me to get a job in the industry. That no one would hire me without the piece of paper. No one would trust my knowledge without the exams. They had a good enough points of reason to follow the herd and enrol into a University business degree.

But the last 6 months I have tried to stay between the lines and do what’s right, do what’s expected of someone who wants to work in the industry, to study. To study at someone else’s pace, with expectations and at the criticism of their marking criteria. 

And I just can’t do it.

I’ve been racking my brain trying to work out what the problem is, I love the topic, I want to help small business, but I just cannot fake the enthusiasm when I’m already running on empty most days. I need the passion, the excitement, the questions, the wonder. I need to discover the hints and tricks that others are willing to share, or the apps that change the industry and make life easy for business owners.

That is real life stuff, real life understanding of business needs and keeping the creativity flowing and motivation pumping. Without the motivation or drive, how can I expect to push myself through 6 years of study to then find where the enthusiasm has gone for the original dream.

But who are these people that have decided your only as good as the paper you hold? Why can’t I be as informed if not, more informed by real life happenings and yet have more drive and creativity than that of a fresh graduate? 

Why do I have to stick to the social norms, when all that does is make you blend in?  

I don’t.

No one is making me but myself, using their beliefs (probably also shaped by social norms) to shape my way of thinking. But I’m so sick of it, I’m sick of society writing the chapters in my book, it’s time to make a change.

After all, much more has been accomplished after the words “you can’t do that!”

Understanding the capabilities of our kids

I’m often found reminding myself of what Archie is capable of understanding at such an age. Its so easy to expect him to have a certain understanding of unwritten social information. Like sitting still and keeping voices to a minimum when he is indoors.

Age is not just a number, its a reminder of skill set, a way to justify my feelings of frustration. He has learnt so much in his short 19 month life, but he has so much more to learn. I remind myself that he just can’t comprehend what I’m asking and thats why he won’t stop being ‘naughty’.

It makes my life a lot easier when can stop making excuses to those surrounding me, and start changing what I expect from him. Sure, he needs to learn how to ‘behave’ at some point, so we are taking baby steps (pun intended), steps for the size of his stride, steps that make it fun and interesting to learn. In the same way he learns his animal sounds or swimming, serious fun. Fun with a touch of serious learning.

He is only little for such a short time, I’d rather enjoy watching him as he learns and discovers new ways of life, than boil over with anger and embarrassment when he does the ‘wrong’ thing.

Please don’t grow up

If it were up to me, I’d keep you all to myself.

That way you would never change, I could keep you little and innocent forever. We could stare at each other and laugh uncontrollably, you at my silly faces and I at your absolute delight.

I could make sure your personality and beautiful nature isn’t impacted by those around you. That the outside influences don’t change you into someone who doesn’t care about those amongst you. Someone who can stand up for what he believes in and stands in for those who can’t.

You would learn things at a pace that’s right for you and not taught whilst you’re too young to know what to do with the information. The true meaning of right from wrong, compassion and empathy, not what society deems as acceptable.

We could travel the country and learn from your surroundings, you could discover how endless your opportunities could be if you just put your mind to it.

I don’t want you to feel like the choices you have are limited by those opinions around you, that the only things you’re capable of is what others see in you.

You’re capable of anything.

 

 

Anxieties are a part of motherhood

Lets talk anxieties.

I never truely realised how anxious I was as a person until Archie was born, he brought every single insecurity out, even ones I didn’t know I had. 

I seriously have blanks in the first 12 months where I couldn’t tell you what happened with my days or nights, they are just gone. Ones I’ve blanked out on purpose from feeling like I failed, some lost in the wave of no sleep, and the rest, who knows. 

Some of the moments I do remember are ones of question.

Questioning my choices, my decisions, myself.

Trying to work out why I can’t just make this baby happy? Why my baby? why me?

Not knowing whether we should be rushing to the hospital or sending me to an asylum.

And when he was asleep, I was awake. Playing scenarios in my head so real I could feel each roller coaster emotion as it played out. 

I talk about this as if it went away after 12 months, but it’s still very much around. Every time I get asked about what we do with Archie, if we go out and he is grumpy about something, if anyone sees me after I don’t even know how long since my last shower and especially if we plan a trip or holiday somewhere. 

It is a feeling like non other, and one I’m finally starting to understand will be apart of my life as a mother. The only comfort is knowing that Hayden has the same sleepless nights over Archie.