Some nights all they want is you – and its down right exhausting

This is the 3rd night in a row Archie has literally been attached to me Basically all night. To the point where if I try and sneak his dummy in to give myself a break he cries. Like he’s not even asleep enough to trick him with his dummy.

3 nights! And when he’s attached, I’m not sleeping.

We gave in to co-sleeping at around 7 months, for the sanity of the household. It’s the best thing we did, but it doesn’t mean every night is good. Nor does it mean breastfeeding is easier.

In actual fact I think some nights he feeds more, especially when he is in pain. Which is less of a feed and more of a suck, and a weird hand that rubs across the top of my chest while he tries to relax back to sleep. 

It drives me crazy.

So after a whole night of non stop bad date spec touching me. The next night we battle it out. 

And by the morning I’ve had enough of the touching, in fact of anyone touching me. 

So we drive around in circles till he naps in the car. I sit there with no one touching me for over an hour. It’s bliss. 

It makes the 3rd night a little easier, but I definately have to give myself a pep talk on the reasons I’m still breastfeeding at that point. 

I have zero idea why he’s having a hard time, but when does anyone know what’s going on? 

I’ve given him some panadol and he’s just fallen asleep watching me type (I know, I wouldn’t have believed it myself if I didn’t see it!) . 

Fingers crossed he sleeps all night, apparently we are going to the gym at 6am.

Wish me luck!

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That sinking feeling

Not a night goes by that I get into bed and don’t feel I’ve forgotten something. To the point where I get that absolutely dreaded sinking sensation of “oh my gosh” I forgot to…

You’d think it was something terribly important by the way my body responds to the thought. And to be honest sometimes it is, but most times, it’s not. 

Mostly just things I should have done during the day but don’t get to. Some days I’m so busy I don’t get to sit down till Archies in bed, and then I don’t really know what I actually achieved. 

The washing I brought in and put away, is all over the floor – Archie

The bed I made in the morning, looks like I’ve been having a nice nap all day – Archie (not from sleeping I can tell you)

The floor I vacuumed, has biscuit crumbs and blueberries smooshed into it – Archie

Im seeing a pattern here. No wonder it feels like nothing gets done. 

I spend half my day doing the same 5 things over and over and the other half looking for my things as if they were hidden treasures. Stashed away in trains, draws, shoes, boxes, the play tent and sometimes even under my pillow.

It would be easier to just walk out and leave it, but I can’t do that, imagine what it would look like then! 

Everything I have I give to you

I give you my undivided attention, my imagination and my curiosity. My encouragement, artistic flare and advice.

I give you my antibodies, healing kisses, my courage and my strength. My habits, good and bad, my patients and trust.

I give you my problem solving skills, my words, emotions and understanding. My nights and early mornings, cuddles and loving kisses.

I give you my thoughts and my deepest worries. My entertainment, signing and dancing, wonder and discovery.

I give you my lessons, explanations, questions and reassurance. My watchful eye, wishful thinking and future plans.

I give you my time and unconditional love, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

Are we really spending time with our kids?

As a stay at home parent, I do a lot of going to activities or playgrounds and letting Archie run around. He sometimes plays with other kids, depending on his mood that day, and sometimes he just wants to sit with me and watch.

Its in these moments that Archie just sits with me that I have the time to look around. What i see is a lot of singular parents sitting on their phones, while their kids play on the playground. At first, it annoyed me, they weren’t paying any attention to what was going on. They were with their kids, but not present in the moment, their kids would yell out something, and they first few times they would ignore them, before saying something like “great” or “ok”.

But I stopped myself right there.

Thats not a fair judgement.

Staying at home with any number of children is a full time job. You get up and make breakfast, sometimes its eaten sometimes not. sometimes you spend all day trying to get them to nap, you read books, play with puppets, crawl around on the floor pretending to be a dog, dinosaur, horse, whatever it is, its hard and tiring. You spend all day making sure they have eaten enough, drunk enough, have clean nappies on and are not getting into anything they shouldn’t. Somewhere in there you need to keep up with the general housework, which depending on the age can be handwork in itself.

So you know what I do when I’ve just about had enough.

I go to the park.

Why?

Because I can sit and watch Archie play while I have five mins to myself, and if the playground is fenced, thats even better, I might be able to check in with the outside world, and know there really are other people out there having hard days too.

Mothers give everything they have every second of the day. There are no lunch breaks, no weekends, no days off. We do it when we are sick, tired, frustrated, on our birthdays on days when our closest friends and family pass.

Its hard to switch off, so next time you see a mother on her phone, have a think about how hard her day might have been so far and its not even over yet.

A Message For A New Mother

Soon you will go on the biggest adventure of your life. One that will test you to your absolute limit, one that offers every emotion from the deepest of lows to the highest of highs.

You will be given every ounce of advice, some maybe helpful, but most not. Some from people you love and a lot from people you barely know.

You will be made to feel like you need to categorise your parenting style to fit the norms and surely be judged on everything.

You will be told the “right way” to do everything, but yet it’s still not good enough.

For some reason everyone thinks they can poke their head inside your pram and touch your baby, everyone wants to know how old they are, what their name is and if they are a “good sleeper”.

Strangers will ask you when you will have another baby! (I know that seems ridiculous buts it’s true), other mothers will start comparing stats with you like your just casually talking about a game from the weekend and you will walk away feeling like a failure every time.

You will be up all night, sometimes for days. If you try breastfeeding, it will hurt, like toe curling hurt for weeks, could be up to 6 weeks, at least every 3 hours if not more.

You might hate it, you might love it.

You might resent everyone around you for what seem like the most ridiculous reasons.

And this is just the beginning.

But I’ll tell you now, it’s all worth it.

You’ll walk away from your birth feeling like you can conquer anything irrespective of how you get that baby out. Through the miracle that is life, that baby will know exactly who you are the minute they come out, they will feel calmed by your smell, your breath, your voice and above all your heart beat. The closer to you the better, and if anyone tries to tell you, you have a Velcro baby tell them to get lost.

You will gain a sense of responsibility like no other, the clothes on your back can become non-existent if you needed to, and your protective instinct will kick in. Listen to it, it’s their to protect you and your baby.

If you don’t feel comfortable, say something and say it proud. Don’t be afraid to make decisions that will be different to others, you know what’s best. And trust me, you do know, just listen to what your inner motherstinct is saying.

It’s ok to sit and cry for no reason, or for every reason, it’s hard.

It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

Find a mother’s group and fall for them, they will be your place of sanity, your circle of trust, somewhere you can just talk and not worry about offending anyone, and then keep talking to them, stay in contact, they will be the ones up at 2am when the rest of the world is sleeping. Use them as your tribe, they will validate your feelings and support you in the moments you just can’t explain.

Remember that every night spent up changing, burping, feeding and holding your crying baby is another step closer to a first moment.

Take photos, lots of them, but make sure everyone around you takes photos too. You need to be in them, so when the hard times are over and the kids are older, you can look back on the memories. At the end of the day all they will have one day are photos, are they are more precious then anything.

And finally, its ok to feel lost, to feel like you don’t know who you are any more. Becoming a mother changes everything, your whole world changes, yet everyone else around you seems to stay the same. It takes time to feel like you again, to feel like the different you that motherhood has created.

Im here to cry to, celebrate with, ask questions, or just talk if you need to.

 

The Reality of Becoming Mum

Delete the Judgement – We don’t have room for that

Sometimes your the only thing they want 

 

A Difficult Situation Indeed

Do you ever feel totally out of place, in a situation that should feel so comfortable?

like your just going through the motions. Your so confused about which one of your emotions fits the bill, so you just disconnect and decide none is easier and safer for all involved.

I do.

Its not that there is necessarily any adverse feelings personally towards anyone, its just easier than waiting for the reactions you had hoped for.

I try to make nice conversation, but at the end of the day its just small talk. Its hard work. Its not talking about the highs and the lows, the new adventures I’m planning, or the struggles I want to share. The triumphs and tribulations instead become an internal celebration, one of constant reassurance that I am not like that, surely not.

My life is so different now, I have changed so drastically that I’m not even sure they know the real me any more. In fact I know they don’t. My new way of thinking, and decisions I stick with become more of a comedy point than a discussion point.

Why isn’t it obvious how happy I am. The decisions I have made and the ones I’m yet to make have made me who I am today. I don’t need to be put down with sly comments, nor hassled and questioned about aspects of my life I once questioned myself.

But yet, I still feel so drawn to them. its normal to.

I wish it was different, but I’d be silly to think the feeling was mutual.

Perception is reality and the reality is each side has a different perception.

which brings us back to my original point, its easier and safer for everyone involved to continue on and keep the peace. After all, you can never truly put yourself in someone else’s shoes unless you have truly been there.

I love them, but no matter how hard I convince myself I have forgiven them, I will never forget.

 

What you don’t realise

Velcro is not a fair word

A Lonely Village

The Reality of Becoming Mum

Something that seems to be spreading like wild fire at the moment, is the notion of getting back to “you” after having a baby. The idea that something you did before you had a baby was your special thing, that thing that made you happy and content. That if you did that again that you would feel “normal” again. For some people this might be your career, a hobby or just catching up with your girlfriends. So what is mine?

Well that question is harder than it should be to answer.

Before I got pregnant the business I started from nothing, was everything, if I wasn’t at work then I was researching ways to make it better at home, it was always on my mind, and I loved it. I loved working for myself, I loved seeing the results from my ideas and above all else, I loved being the boss. Not in the power trip sense, but being the one who made the decisions and came up with the ideas. I had a couple of close friends that I caught up with fairly regularly and when I did have time I would sew.

Then I got pregnant.

The business I had worked so hard on to build was under jeopardy of legal battles, lawyer representatives and a lot more stress than I needed while pregnant – and why? A bad business partner decision.

I had to leave what I had built over 2 years, in a couple of weeks, without anything to show for it. Something that I was once proud as punch to tell everyone, is now something I dread to say out loud, something I keep to myself. Maybe because I feel almost ashamed that I made the wrong decision on the biggest decision in the small businesses life. Maybe because when you tell people you built a business and then had to leave, they don’t quite understand that leaving a business that you built doesn’t necessarily mean you will gain anything financially.

The few friends I had, decided that pregnancy wasn’t something they were interested in at that point in their lives, so it meant I wasn’t part of their lives any more. For some this happened straight away, for others it happened right when I needed them most – after the birth of my son.

I couldn’t just go to the gym like I used to, I could barely go for a walk after the stitches I got.

And sewing, well I couldn’t think, let alone create something.

So fast forward over 12 months, things have continued to change. Not only has just about every relationship I have changed, I have lost more friends, and moved interstate. I don’t have a job to go back to, and actually have no idea how I would work for “the man” now knowing what self employment is all about.

The slump just gets bigger and bigger. Its not staying home with A, I love and appreciate how hard H works so I can. But how do I go back to me, when there isn’t anything “normal” to go back to?

 

A Message For A New Mother

My Anxiety takes over

Do I Really Need to Make a Decision?

Delete the Judgement – We don’t have room for that

As a new mother in this crazy world of parenting, I did what most are doing these days, and joined a parenting group – actually a few groups.

The idea that I could ask a fellow mother questions about me who-ha, or tell them how scared I was that my period was late, without having the family know seemed like a great idea.

Until you contribute.

It’s mainly the answering of questions that gets you in “trouble.” Boy oh boy, do the parenting police come out of the woodworks then.

Being attacked for your parenting decisions is the best way to make a mother feel totally inadequate. The thought of the choices you have made for your child are wrong is devastating, and according to who? Other mothers.

But before I jump into becoming one of them and judging from behind a computer, I’d like to say one thing.

I know you’ve been there too.

All alone in the middle of the right, trying to get your baby to sleep for the 10th time.

Watching them cry in pain, knowing all they want is to snuggle up in bed with you.

Crying alone because you are so torn between what you think you should do and what they say you should do.

Having red raw nipples because he’s STILL hungry.

So next time you go to point someone to a scientific website, that states why you should or shouldn’t do something.

Stop and think.

Remember the times you struggled, the things you needed to hear from these random people that you somehow had a connection with now. The encouragement, the ear to listen and the questions answered not judged.

Because being a mother is hard on everyone, and we are the hardest on ourselves.

 

The Challenges we face

I keep myself awake thinking of all the bad things that could happen

We’re moving…again

I keep myself awake thinking of all the bad things that could happen

Doesn’t matter how tired I am, every few days I keep myself up at night. The thing is the things I’m imaging in my head, although totally possible, are not likely.

Some, maybe. But most, ridiculous.

Tonight’s a goodie. I have something I have been wanting to do for a while and was telling H about it, it involves taking photos at playgrounds. Anyway so I got all excited and started thinking about how I could do it, when it happened. Those thoughts of fear crept into my mind and took over my wonderful drifting off to sleep thoughts.

So this is how it went…

I’m taking a nice photo of a lady with her little girl and reach out for A hand, some strange hand grabs on and I realise it’s not him. So I look up and see a man running out the park gate with him! I chase them screaming for everyone to stop them! He throws A into a van and drives off, so I run down the road and take a photo of the van when I spot them pull over and throw him out the side! Close call right..

Next…

Taking the same photo and he runs out into the shot which happens to be the path of the swinging girl, I don’t get to him in time, she kicks him over and then follows through on the way back. I jumped in the way to stop her so I could grab him. Totally possible but still…

So it goes on, every time I start to relax and close my eyes, something else happens. He trips into the brick wall, he falls off the train play equipment, trips with a stick.

Then I think I need to pee, so I start trying to move and A decides he going to give me a big cuddle. Yep, cool, but now I really do need to pee. So apparently there’s a commotion going on because H wakes up and says

“what’s wrong ?”

“I can’t sleep!”

“Why?”

“I dunno” (too hard to explain to asleep H)

“What’s all the barking about?” (???!!!???? Umm what?)

Anyway i manage to break free and pee, but still can’t sleep.

I’ve been told it’s normal, yep even H. Heres to another night of Pinterest till my phone dies!